so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I did not marry a roomba.
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