My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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