The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
