this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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