tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize