If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
