I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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