I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
