yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
