I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
