In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
