you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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