Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
