Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
