So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
