hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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