Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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