you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my liver is dry heaving
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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