i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
