I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
