Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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