everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
