Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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