there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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