I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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