i think my tv is drunk
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
