I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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