Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
