If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
