you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
