I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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