Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize