Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Couch. On fire.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
