Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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