Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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