ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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