i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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