cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
