WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
