The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
