when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
