he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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