Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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