singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
