just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize