when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
