don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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