U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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