Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
