just come out here and I will go home with you...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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