I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
