My first STD was from a foam party
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
this is an emotional support booty call
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
