Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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