I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
