I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize