all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
