My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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